Just Another Story. My Tourette's Syndrome #1.

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     I'm going to take a little break from writing about my mother for a little while and write about me. I'll start with discussing my Tourette's Syndrome.
     As mentioned in a previous blog, I developed my first case of Strep Throat during the 5th grade. It was soon thereafter that I began developing the ticks and twitches. I couldn't have told you anything about my twitches. I flatly refused to speak of or even acknowledge my symptoms. I was highly closed off and withdrawn as a child. And I mean about everything, including my extremely obvious ticks.

Just Another Story. More About My Mother #14.

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     My mother was very aggressive. Her mouth and fists let you know exactly how she felt. My father, on the other hand, was super passive-aggressive. This divergent life approach helped create one horrific marriage. For most of my childhood, I really thought they truly hated each other's guts. They sure acted like they did, anyhow. It was a terrible union.

Just Another Story. More About My Mother #13

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     My mother had a great adventurer's spirit. In a alternate universe, she'd have been in the Peace Corps, digging for fossils in Ethiopia or writing for National Geographic. "Outside the box" activities were common when I was very little and inclement weather meant nothing to her. I have pleasant memories of going on picnics in January.
     Also, rules didn't apply to her. There was always a plan "B", "C", "D" or "E" to enable getting anything done. If the first 4 plans didn't work, she'd just keep going, gradually dismissing more and more societal restraints. Some of these memories are quite entertaining as well. Jane definitely had a wacky and zany side to her. It was all but overcome by mental illness as she entered her 50's, but I do vaguely remember it.
     One of my most questionable, bizarre and extra-ordinary memories dates (probably) to the summer of 1965 or '66. I was either 3 & 1/2 or 4 & 1/2.  I was shopping with her downtown during the summer and I remember, like it was yesterday, an incredible crowd of people outside in the sunshine. We went inside a building which was affixed to the Terminal Tower on Cleveland's Public Square and talked with the desk clerk. We then walked down a hallway and passed a bunch of people. The crowd inside was just as overwhelming as it was outside. But most importantly, some of the people we passed in a hallway had the strangest hair I'd ever seen. It was so weird that it would become a primary anchor for this memory in the first place. These guys looked like they had mops on their heads. We then proceeded down another hallway into the Terminal Tower itself, and then down to the trains to come back home.
     I remember the crowds, in and out, vividly. I remember the buildings, the boys with long hair and the hallway, vividly, I think because they were so unusual. Here's what I surmise actually happened that afternoon:
     The Beatles played Cleveland Stadium twice: 1965 & 1966 and they stayed in the Sheraton Hotel which was on public square, adjacent to the Terminal Tower, with Higbee's Department Store adjacent on the other side. My mother wanted to do some shopping and walking around, not realizing the human traffic jam of teenaged girls we would encounter once on Public Square. We got caught up in the sea of humanity and she needed to get us out. She faked her way into the hotel as a guest just to get from "here to there". We then walked through the hotel's corridors, passed the "boys" as they were walking along, into the Tower and down to the train station.
     I really believe that's what happened. And if you knew my mother's ability to fake her way into or out of anything, well... you wouldn't even question my memory. I've mentioned before that she was a pathological liar. She also had the acting and improvisational skills to back up anything she said. It was incredible. This is one humorous and over-the-top illustration.

Just Another Story. More About My Mother #12.

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     My mother did occasionally cross over to paranoid psychosis. One day when I was in the 6th grade, she woke me up in the middle of the night and told me that I should cooperate with "Them" because "They" were trying to help. I, a 12 year old boy, responded "I'm not going to buy into your paranoid delusions. Now go back to sleep." I wish I were exaggerating this, but I'm not. The exact conversation was longer. She listed names of people who were in on the plan and I did ask her a couple of questions prior to telling her to go to sleep. But really, you get the gist of it.  With my response, she smiled and went back to sleep. No word was ever uttered between us about that exchange.
     She woke me up one other time that same school year.
     I asked her for some help with my pre-algebra. She couldn't figure it out so I decided to skip it and ask the teacher the next day. However, she woke me up, again at 2AM, with the problem figured out, solution and all. She'd then printed it, beautifully, in Magic Marker, with different colors, on white typing paper. It was very artistic. She explained that she wanted to make sure I got it in case she was asleep when I left for school. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt concerning her explanation. However, if it had been me, I'd have left it on the table or some other very obvious place. I think that waking me up was simply her first idea, so that's the one which was put into action. Never, ever again, literally, would I ask her for school help - as a direct result of this situation.
     I've previously mentioned that Jane was extremely upset by Watergate. I believe that she strongly identified with Nixon and psychologically deteriorated along with the scandal's growth. She even talked with me about her enemy list and how everybody has them.
     I'm sure that she was very manic at that time and her mania occasionally evolved into paranoid delusions.

Just Another Story. More About My Mother. #11

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     My mother was rather politically active. She was a big time "letter to the editor' writer. This started in the early mid-1960's, I think.
     She was a Democrat from the time she started voting until she turned Republican in '68 to vote for Nixon. So she was a Democrat for 30 years or so and a Republican for her final handful of presidential cycles. She was usually liberal with her policies toward race, religion and creed but quite conservative on social issues like abortion, entertainment censorship and sex. She was on TV twice, I think, for being vocal with her support of the Viet Nam war and opposition to abortion. Then, she was also featured in a few newspaper articles about concerned citizens who were in favor of book banning and, again, opposition to abortion. 10 years after her death, her name was still being brought up in letters to the editor which mentioned former Cleveland-area abortion foes.
     There were certain inconsistencies with Jane's politics, as there are with everybody's. As my brothers and sisters grew up and moved out of the house, my parents rented out spare bedrooms to students at the local universities. We rented to many international students, including a great variety of Arabs; this, in spite of my parent's profound Zionist activities. However, they wouldn't rent to Blacks, even though they had deep friendships with Black people and supported the Black cause more than the average for their generation. Also, one day when I was a mid-teen, she told me why she was so opposed to abortion. But then she told me that I should talk with people who felt differently and make up my own mind. And, when I was in the 7th grade, she read one of my assigned English readings and proceeded to complain extremely loudly in the newspaper about "the books Johnny reads in school". But she never told me that I couldn't read it.
     To have a political discussion with her about anything was to engage in a screaming match if you disagreed with her. Those who didn't know better, learned the hard way.
     She worked on the re-elect Nixon committee in '72 and Watergate upset her deeply. When he resigned, she said that "the Libs won." She was equally upset with Ford for pardoning Nixon because she thought the pardon implied Nixon's guilt and she wanted the scandal to go to trial so his innocence could be proved. She thought the entire scandal was fabricated by Nixon's Liberal enemies.
     Jane began quieting down a great deal by the mid-late '70's because she thought the new "Moral Majority" were anti-Semites. She knew that she agreed with much of their politics, but was very hesitant to align with Born-Again Christians. She equated them, practically, with Nazis.

Just Another Story. More About My Mother #10.

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     My mother allegedly had Scarlet Fever as a child. This left her with a weak heart.
     After having 5 children she developed a weight problem. She was heavy, but not extraordinarily fat. She was 5'5" and topped out at 190. That's big, but by 2014 standards, it's nothing.
     She always claimed to have a hearing issue, but could hear a box of Sara Lee being opened in the basement even if she was on the second floor.
     In 1975, while in the mental hospital after 3 suicide attempts, her retinas detached and she was then blind for the rest of her life. This was genetic and would possibly, but not definitely, have happened anyhow, regardless of what she put her body through with the drugs. She retained peripheral vision, though over time, that diminished as well. Nowadays, there's laser repair for this condition, if caught fast enough. But 1975 was years and years prior to treatment.
     Imagine being so depressed that you attempt suicide 3 times in 1 summer, only to have all those attempts fail, but you're left blind. 

Just Another Story. More About My Mother #9

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      My mother couldn't hold a job, though she tried.
     In 1961, when she was 42 and already had 4 other children, I was born. Then, she went back to school while I was still in diapers. She graduated and received her M.A. within a few years. Talk about intelligence and fortitude! For the next five+ years she tried to get full time employment. But, to no avail. Her personality and work history always got in the way.
     You see, she was extremely alienating, rigid, self-righteous and arrogant. She couldn't accept criticism and was so insecure that she interpreted any type of correction as an insult. These qualities made for one difficult employee.
     Around 1971 or so, she finally landed a job doing clerical work at Case Western Reserve University, her alma mater. I'll never forget how excited she was. She went out shopping with my sisters and bought a new wardrobe of "working girl" clothing. She was effervescent with excitement as she went off to work on that first Monday. According to family folk-lore though, by Friday, they told her that it wasn't working out because of her disruptive personality. She begged and pleaded for another chance, which they granted. She was subsequently fired the next Friday, again, just because she was so difficult to get along with.  
     On a few occasions, I saw her in action. I remember that when I was little, I was occasionally dragged to committee meetings, club meetings or what have you. I saw that even when dealing with superiors, let alone people of equal or lower status, she became officious, argumentative, contrary and defensive. It would be decades before I truly understood what I'd seen. If something wasn't done her exact way, she'd go through the roof, even in situations where she was the newest or least knowledgeable in the room. She was the first person in a group to raise a voice in anger and aggravation. Imagine that in a brand new co-worker or 3 days. This record followed her until the end.

Just Another Story. More About My Mother #8

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     According to family folklore, my father discovered my mother's rage when they arrived home from their honeymoon.
     Prior to leaving for their get-a-way, Jane ordered some new furniture which was supposed to have arrived and been set up in their apartment while they were gone. There was some sort of problem, it didn't show up as scheduled and she went off. I don't know exactly what she did, but I can guess. My guess will appear in a future blog. Suffice it so say, my father allegedly began sleeping with a butcher knife under his pillow to protect him from her. Jane was a rageaholic. I grew up witnessing and being subject to domestic violence.
     To this day, I've never completely figured out why the words "domestic violence" automatically implicate the husband or father in so many minds. 

Just Another Story. My Mother's Life #7

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     According to legend, my mother may have had a nervous breakdown at some point during her childhood or teen years. But she definitely had one in the spring of 1966 and was subsequently institutionalized in a mental hospital for some time. Her next institutionalization would be in the summer of 1975, soon after her 3rd suicide attempt in a few weeks. I was 4 the first time and 13 the second.