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And the fourth thing I was born with which complicates things, to this day, is an overly deep sense of emotion. I don't ever feel "okay" or "fine". And I never have. I've always felt "very"___________ (fill in the blank). And unlike the Torette's, homosexuality and introversion, I couldn't have identified it when I was 15. I didn't know that this was a thing which was different about me.
I remember being about 19 or so and some friends told me that they felt I was very delicate. I then asked my therapist at the time about this. She disagreed up and down, declaring that I was extremely strong, but that I was a very deep feeling person. And that little quirk, on top of an unreal home-life could be misinterpreted as delicacy. My emotions tend to be so far up front that if, for example, I'm sad or lonely, which I was a REAL lot at that time (1981), well... anybody would see me as extremely depressive and easily shattered. In truth, other people have gradations of unhappy or happy. I don't. My life history is that I'm either on top of the world or suicidal. With years though, I've learned some gradations. Not as many as most people have naturally, but I'm absolutely better than I used to be.
Over the years, I've gotten a certain handle on this quality of overly deep feeling when it's become dangerous. I do believe myself to have bi-polar disorder, but a mild form of the illness. And, I've never received treatment for it per se. When some of my depressions have become suicidal, I've gone on anti-depressants. But then I stop taking them when the depression ends. I've talked with psychiatrists about this and they're okay with my plan. Doctors trust my instincts. I know when it's the medication working or when the depression ends all by itself. It's a different feeling.
I'm really getting off the subject right now, just please know that my emotions still rule me. I've never figured out how to be in charge of them, much to my detriment.
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